Dealing with objections

[ozmeath]

That's an interesting one Hachiman. Obviously you know your in-laws and spouse better than we so how can we speculate on how your wearing a kilt or not affect them? If it were me I'd take the challenge on to re-educate the in-laws and ask your wife to support you on it. She vowed to!
Also have a think about why you wear a kilt, so that when you're asked you respond clearly and confidently. We all have our reasons of course but they probably are about the same: deepening family connection, cultural tradition and pride, and comfort. Any others folks?
Well how could they argue against that?
Erin

[A Hay]

My inclination would be to try to avoid making the kilt a point of contention until you and your inlaws have gotten to know one another better. You married your wife, but the in-laws come with the deal. They are important to her and therefore should merit some respect from you.

Hopefully, in time, they will come to see the kilt as part of your life, but not as important to them as how you treat their daughter, grandkids (maybe), and other people.

If you push it on them, it becomes a contest of wills and may get in the way of a long term relationship.

Just my take. I've been lucky to have very nice in-laws for a long while. My wife and I celebrate our 38th anniversary in a month from today.

Tom

[starbkjrus]

First, please allow me to further define my question / topic: for me, this is more of an anticipatory strike, rather than coping with an existing situation... but I thought I'd ask and see if a) it's been discussed before, or b) someone has already had to deal with this situation.

Essentially, my (new) wife has informed me that while she's fine with me wearing a kilt casually (and formally, of course), my new in-laws probably won't understand why anyone would voluntarily wear a kilt without a formal occasion to attend (ie: casually). My wife believes that her family are too "conformist" ("socially conditioned", "narrow minded", etc - feel free to use the term you prefer most ) to understand or acknowledge any motivation to wear a kilt in a casual situation.

My question is this: has anyone encountered family members who (for whatever reason) are unwilling to attempt to understand why a guy would opt for a kilt over more "normal" bifurcated clothing? How did you deal with this "active ignorance"?

cheers

Hachiman

Well, I don't want to give bad advice here BUT (there is always a but isn't there?) I'm 43 and have been with my partner for 7 years. My in-laws and I have a great relationship and when I started wearing kilts they just went along with it. My Mom-in-law smiles occaisionaly when she sees me in one of my outfits but they have always just been "whatever". They know that i make their son happy. Same with the rest of that side of the family.

My sister is a bit different but knows better than to say one damn word about anything I do. We have a tentative truce (and have maintained this for more than a decade) so I don't pay a lot of attention to what she thinks. My mother is Irish (Dad's family is Scotish) so she understands it but is not quite accepting but again doesn't dare say anything about what I do.

Bottom line is that my family may have some issues (WOW is that an understatement) but I am my own person and in the end am going to do what is comfortable to me and what my partner accepts. I'm lucky with my inlaws that they pretty much are the "well, ok whatever works" types.

There is no excuse for prevoking one's inlaws - especially in the early on years" BUT you really have to make your own self known and let everyone else get over it. I sincerely hope you and your bride were on the same page before you married. If that is the case then you simply go about your lives and the kilt is just a part of it. They will come around.

My own experience says they just don't understand - YET.

[Hachiman]

Thanks guys!

Blu, your recommended website is exactly the sort of advice I was seeking! Thank you.... the irony is that I've visited that site before and had completely forgotten about it!

Ozmeath, thanks for your take on things - I'll be keeping those points firmly in mind in the future, especially the concept of viewing this as an educational challenge.

Starbkjrus, I like the way you think... "My own experience says they just don't understand - YET."... nicely put!

And Yaish, you're right - I can't change their minds for them. I don't intend to try. I just wanted to be "forewarned" as it were, in case they object or are offended, etc. Fortunately, at this moment I don't live anywhere near them (they're in the USA, I'm in Australia) and I don't own any kilts (yet), so it's kind of moot at the moment. But that probably will change in the future...

Thanks for the ideas and advice, folks!!

[beloitpiper]

In my family, my father is the Scot, but my mom is 100% German....and she doesn't get it. My father is very much in support of my bagpipes, kilts, the whole thing, but my mom is not as tolerant. She doesn't like it when I wear a kilt casually, and she's not too fond of the pipes either. I've told her all about the Clan and the history on my father's side, but she just flat out doesn't like it.

She claims it embarasses her in front of her friends, saying "I don't wear a durndel when your friends are around!!" to which I reply "Go right ahead, the only person that is stopping you is yourself." I would apologize, but for me a kilt is not a mere piece of clothing. It is a memorial and testament to my family. I would hope that she, and anybody else would respect and appreciate that.

And guess what? If I'm going to pay $600 for an article of clothing, I'm damn well going to wear it whenever I want! I'm not going to let it be eaten my moths, I'm going to show it off! It's her problem if she doesn't like it, but I'm not going to compromise myself and my heritage for her personal tastes.

...by the way, I offered to wear leiderhosen, but she said that was out of the question. :rolleyes: Looks like I just can't win!

[Kilted KT]

In my family, my father is the Scot, but my mom is 100% German....and she doesn't get it. My father is very much in support of my bagpipes, kilts, the whole thing, but my mom is not as tolerant. She doesn't like it when I wear a kilt casually, and she's not too fond of the pipes either. I've told her all about the Clan and the history on my father's side, but she just flat out doesn't like it.

She claims it embarasses her in front of her friends, saying "I don't wear a durndel when your friends are around!!" to which I reply "Go right ahead, the only person that is stopping you is yourself." I would apologize, but for me a kilt is not a mere piece of clothing. It is a memorial and testament to my family. I would hope that she, and anybody else would respect and appreciate that.

And guess what? If I'm going to pay $600 for an article of clothing, I'm damn well going to wear it whenever I want! I'm not going to let it be eaten my moths, I'm going to show it off! It's her problem if she doesn't like it, but I'm not going to compromise myself and my heritage for her personal tastes.

...by the way, I offered to wear leiderhosen, but she said that was out of the question. :rolleyes: Looks like I just can't win!

I'm of the same opinion... if you are going to spend the kind of money it takes to buy a proper kilt, then go ahead and wear it. My wife falls into that category where she would rather see conformity than individuality, where I am the polar opposite. I wear the kilt at every possible opportunity, both for my self and my heritage. Once I get my argyll jacket, I'll wear it everywhere!

As for a few of the other comments, the saturation approach works best form what I've seen. The more people see that you are going to wear the kilt, the less likely they will be to say anything about it as time goes on.

Whatever you do, don't give in a replace your kilt with pants or some other non-kilted whatchamathingy!!!

[Schultz]

I've always been "the weird one" in my family, from my days of multicolored hair and leather and spikes, through boots and braces, and now the kilt. It's almost expected of me.

My parents know better than to say anything to me. I know my father thinks its daft, but he keeps his mouth shut because he's always said, "I don't give a damn what you do after you turn 21 so long as its not criminal." My mother can't believe I wear it out in public all the time, but that's just because she still thinks I care about what other people think. She does, however, get excited when I finish making a new kilt because I'm the only one of her children who's really taken after her in the sewing department and she's quite amazed I do it all by hand.

My 16 year old neice already thinks I'm totally strange so wearing a kilt, for her, is just par of the course. My 10 year old nephew, however, is a bit hostile to it, but that's because he's a total conformist just like his dad (my brother). For him, it's okay for a Scotsman to wear one (and by Scotsman, he means someone born and raised in Scotland), but not okay for his uncle to wear one. He and I usually give each other wide berth, but that's because I think he's a brat and don't put up with any of his antics/tantrums and he knows it.

Ironically enough, my in-laws are the most supportive. For those of you who remember, my mother-in-law wasn't the most accepting of my wearing of the kilt at the wedding, but she has come around. Her only comment in recent months has been, "What, doesn't she let you wear pants anymore?" and that was said in an obvious light-hearted manner. They ask questions about it and accept the answers at face value.

I think one of the key factors in getting family who aren't receptive to casual kilt wearing to accept it is to remain as non-defensive as possible. Wearing a kilt must become a matter of fact, so to speak, and being defensive about it can lead to arguments, animosity, and resentment. Keep yourself, at least, cool and just be who you are.

[O'Neille]

My Mom totally supports my kiltedness and my Dad is buying my O'Neill kilt as a graduation gift. I'm not sure about what my Daughters"s relatives on her Mother's side think, I've never paid much attention. Usually around them I'm just a little oblivious anyway. O'Neille

[efer]

You have had some great advice offered.

Remember that it's your wife that will get put in the middle of this "objection" more than anyone else.

Best of luck