Dealing with objections

[Hachiman]

First, please allow me to further define my question / topic: for me, this is more of an anticipatory strike, rather than coping with an existing situation... but I thought I'd ask and see if a) it's been discussed before, or b) someone has already had to deal with this situation.

Essentially, my (new) wife has informed me that while she's fine with me wearing a kilt casually (and formally, of course), my new in-laws probably won't understand why anyone would voluntarily wear a kilt without a formal occasion to attend (ie: casually). My wife believes that her family are too "conformist" ("socially conditioned", "narrow minded", etc - feel free to use the term you prefer most ) to understand or acknowledge any motivation to wear a kilt in a casual situation.

My question is this: has anyone encountered family members who (for whatever reason) are unwilling to attempt to understand why a guy would opt for a kilt over more "normal" bifurcated clothing? How did you deal with this "active ignorance"?

cheers

Hachiman

[Yaish]

You cant reason someone out of a position they didnt reason themselves into.

If that is their opinion, dont count on changing it. Fortunately for you, you only married their daughter and not them, so I dont see why this would be a problem.

[davedove]

I don't think you can change that thinking. I have seen lots of article about confronting outright objections to kilt wearing, but not much about the "normal" aspect.

About all you can do is just keep wearing the kilt, and hope that familiarity will eventually set it.

[Blu (Ontario)]

I'd like to suggest that you first do a bit of reading through the articles at

http://www.kiltmen.com/advice.htm

Written by a long time and insightful kilt wearer, these essays are an excellent launch point for less experienced and new kilt wearers.

Being prepared for the negative gives you the confidence to enjoy the positive.

cheers,

blu

[Scottish Chi]

You cant reason someone out of a position they didnt reason themselves into.

If that is their opinion, dont count on changing it. Fortunately for you, you only married their daughter and not them, so I dont see why this would be a problem.

I agree with you a some of your points. However, although you marry the daughter you also marry into the family. In this case the spouse is the one who has the problem. She is caught between supporting her husband while keeping peace with her parents over the issue. This is not a good thing for a newly married couple to have to deal with. To illustrate the point imagine the same situation if this were an episode of "All In the Family" only not so funny when it's real and there are no script writters to make a happy ending. This can be dealt with but will take some time, patience, understanding (on the part of Hachiman), and education. The education will have to begin first with Hachiman and wife. Blu(Ontario) has given an excellent recommendation for a place to start.

Cheers, Bill

[Nick]

My father-in-law doesn't get why anyone would wear a kilt even in a formal occassion, but he's gotten used to me wearing them. It's a saturation thing. Still teases me and all, but there's no problem.

[ozmeath]

That's an interesting one Hachiman. Obviously you know your in-laws and spouse better than we so how can we speculate on how your wearing a kilt or not affect them? If it were me I'd take the challenge on to re-educate the in-laws and ask your wife to support you on it. She vowed to!
Also have a think about why you wear a kilt, so that when you're asked you respond clearly and confidently. We all have our reasons of course but they probably are about the same: deepening family connection, cultural tradition and pride, and comfort. Any others folks?
Well how could they argue against that?
Erin

[A Hay]

My inclination would be to try to avoid making the kilt a point of contention until you and your inlaws have gotten to know one another better. You married your wife, but the in-laws come with the deal. They are important to her and therefore should merit some respect from you.

Hopefully, in time, they will come to see the kilt as part of your life, but not as important to them as how you treat their daughter, grandkids (maybe), and other people.

If you push it on them, it becomes a contest of wills and may get in the way of a long term relationship.

Just my take. I've been lucky to have very nice in-laws for a long while. My wife and I celebrate our 38th anniversary in a month from today.

Tom

[starbkjrus]

First, please allow me to further define my question / topic: for me, this is more of an anticipatory strike, rather than coping with an existing situation... but I thought I'd ask and see if a) it's been discussed before, or b) someone has already had to deal with this situation.

Essentially, my (new) wife has informed me that while she's fine with me wearing a kilt casually (and formally, of course), my new in-laws probably won't understand why anyone would voluntarily wear a kilt without a formal occasion to attend (ie: casually). My wife believes that her family are too "conformist" ("socially conditioned", "narrow minded", etc - feel free to use the term you prefer most ) to understand or acknowledge any motivation to wear a kilt in a casual situation.

My question is this: has anyone encountered family members who (for whatever reason) are unwilling to attempt to understand why a guy would opt for a kilt over more "normal" bifurcated clothing? How did you deal with this "active ignorance"?

cheers

Hachiman

Well, I don't want to give bad advice here BUT (there is always a but isn't there?) I'm 43 and have been with my partner for 7 years. My in-laws and I have a great relationship and when I started wearing kilts they just went along with it. My Mom-in-law smiles occaisionaly when she sees me in one of my outfits but they have always just been "whatever". They know that i make their son happy. Same with the rest of that side of the family.

My sister is a bit different but knows better than to say one damn word about anything I do. We have a tentative truce (and have maintained this for more than a decade) so I don't pay a lot of attention to what she thinks. My mother is Irish (Dad's family is Scotish) so she understands it but is not quite accepting but again doesn't dare say anything about what I do.

Bottom line is that my family may have some issues (WOW is that an understatement) but I am my own person and in the end am going to do what is comfortable to me and what my partner accepts. I'm lucky with my inlaws that they pretty much are the "well, ok whatever works" types.

There is no excuse for prevoking one's inlaws - especially in the early on years" BUT you really have to make your own self known and let everyone else get over it. I sincerely hope you and your bride were on the same page before you married. If that is the case then you simply go about your lives and the kilt is just a part of it. They will come around.

My own experience says they just don't understand - YET.

[Hachiman]

Thanks guys!

Blu, your recommended website is exactly the sort of advice I was seeking! Thank you.... the irony is that I've visited that site before and had completely forgotten about it!

Ozmeath, thanks for your take on things - I'll be keeping those points firmly in mind in the future, especially the concept of viewing this as an educational challenge.

Starbkjrus, I like the way you think... "My own experience says they just don't understand - YET."... nicely put!

And Yaish, you're right - I can't change their minds for them. I don't intend to try. I just wanted to be "forewarned" as it were, in case they object or are offended, etc. Fortunately, at this moment I don't live anywhere near them (they're in the USA, I'm in Australia) and I don't own any kilts (yet), so it's kind of moot at the moment. But that probably will change in the future...

Thanks for the ideas and advice, folks!!