Military Wit and Wisdom

[xena]

The five most frightening things to hear in the Army:

1. A Private saying, "I learned this in Basic..."

2. A Sergeant saying, "Trust me, sir..."

3. A Second Lieutenant saying, "Based upon my experience..."

4. A Captain saying, "I was just thinking..."

5. A Warrant Officer chuckling, "Watch this S#!t..."

[Nervous Jock]

You know you're institutionalised when:

You wouldn't dream of buying a shirt with either a breast pocket or button cuffs....

All of your food has to be prepared by a chef because you're incapable of cooking anything that can't either be boiled in a bag or eaten cold....

You don't trust your mum/wife/girlfriend/any woman to iron your kit because deep down you think that your ironing is better....

You wouldn't dream of polishing a pair of shoes or boots with just one brush. There has to be a separate 'on' and 'off' brushes....

You always use the 24 hour clock....

You think that a check shirt (tucked in), chinos and brown shoes (and mavbe a v-neck sweater) looks 'casual' on someone under the age of 40....

You own a 'Sports jacket' made of the hi-tech wicking, breathable, waterproof fabric known as tweed....

You point using your whole hand in a karate chop motion....

Your civvy mates don't understand any of the terminology you use such as 'no dramas', 'squared away', 'take a knee' etc....

You don't have any civvy mates....

You think that anyone who isn't in the Army has 'Stinking chat'....

People in prison have more contact with women than you do....

You feel guilty about wearing jeans in front of senior officers....

You never use anyone's first name, only their surname or surname based nickname such as 'Smithy', 'Jonesy' or 'Browny'....

You are incorrectly under the impression that you can get away with showing 'moral courage' in everyday life, without getting the sh*t kicked out of you by some neanderthal for interfering in his domestic....

You secretly quite like 'cutting about' in uniform in places you really shouldn't....

You use the phrase 'cutting about'....

You come out in a cold sweat if you find yourself still working after lunch on a friday....

You can't watch programmes such as 'Ultimate Force' without giving a running commentary along the lines of "He didn't forward assist" or "Look at the state of Ross Kemp's webbing"....

You wouldn't dream of using Kiwi liquid polish....

You have to stop work at 10am for tea and cakes or else you might not make it to lunch....

You find that the conversation somehow always comes back round to you, because you're more interesting than most topics of conversation....

You think not shaving is a treat....

You get really irritated when people you don't know call you 'mate'....

At least half of your DVD collection are war movies....

Even though your disposable income is twice that of a civvy you still manage to spend it all, every month, with nothing to show for it, about a week after you've told all your soldiers that you 'can't believe how much money they waste on the piss'....

You now hate corned beef hash, in any form....

Whenever you spell something out you use the phonetic alphabet....

Nothing soldiers do shocks you any more....

The sight of rolling countryside makes you scan for 'enemy depth'....

You think that eating every meal for a week with the same spoon that you licked clean and kept in the pocket of the same shirt you've worn all week is perfectly normal....

You don't understand why your civvy mates won't go out on the piss mid-week, because apparently where they work it's 'not the done thing' to turn up hungover at midday....

You have flashbacks of being wet, cold and miserable whenever you see a Yorkie....

You think nothing of perjuring yourself by lying in court that 'Soldier X is a great bloke with a promising career' despite the fact that he's as guilty as a puppy sitting next to a pile of poo....

You lie when people ask you what you do for a living....

[The Vicar]

Oh My this all brings back memories.

Thanks for sharing.

"V"

I remember in one war game we were hunting subs. The officer on Watch was explaining to us newbies on watch what to look for colour wise as to flares from an enemy sub. As he went though the colours, red meaning a torpedo.... I saw a red flare come out of the water from over his shoulder. I said "like that one?". He turned and started swearing and my reply was " I guess that means it's one-nil for them?". I spent the afternoon cleaning the heads and washplace while my off duty shipmates watched movies.
I did learn a lot in the navy. : )

[Geoff Withnell]

More of Murphy's Law's of War

Tracers work both ways.

If you see an explosive ordinance technician running, try to keep up.

Pilots without maintenance support are just badly trained infantry with leather jackets and sunglasses.

The difference between a fariy tale and a war story? A fairy tale starts out "Once Upon a Time...". A war story starts out "This is no sh*t, but once when I was stationed at ..." Only difference.

Geoff Withnell

[Drillagent]

Sorry, but I can't pass this up.

Friendly fire .... isn't.

If you set up your defense so the enemy can't get in, you can't get out.

Look unimportant... the enemy might be low on ammo.

Don't draw fire... it pisses everyone else off.

If you're low on everything except enemy... you're in a battle.

The most dangerous thing on the battlefield is a Lieutenant with a map and compass.

My all time favorite - It's not the bullet with your name on it you have to worry about... it's the one that says to whom it may concern.

Real life Murphy's Law. I had this Company Commander in Iraq who would always draw mortar fire when he went out for a run around the perimeter. He would come down to the CP in the late afternoon and tell us he was going on a run. At that point we would pass the word and everyone would grab their gear and head for the bunkers. Sure enough, he would always get chased in by incoming.