If this was a category on Jeopardy*, I would definitely run the board on it.

I better be careful because some of these joints are still around.

The Squeeze Inn. A bar built on a half of a Chicago lot. A regular lot is 30 to 35 feet wide so the Squeeze was basically built on a fifteen foot footprint. Thus, there was literally just enough room for a patron to squeeze in behind the crowd at the bar (it seems funny even referring to the crowd in there as "patrons"...way too nice a word for 'em). Beer in bottles and cans only since there was no room for tappers. I can't say what the men's room was like because I never stuck around this joint long enough to have to use it. Basically, if you stuck ten or twelve guys in a closet with a cooler full of Bud in the cans you would get the same effect. Definitely a "sip and sock": a two fight cover charge and a two punch minimum.

(Don't confuse The Squeeze with Chicago's famous Midget Bar...but don't forget that you didn't ever dare order "a short one" when you were in the Midget Bar.)

Lannigans. Only because the place was once a very regular South Side joint full of old locals and young guys who were straight from Ireland BUT I figure that they must have had a REALLY good St. Pat's Day and decided to spend the profits gussy-ing up the place. Really. I walk in one day and the whole place has been painted, decorated...all the lighting fixtures are new AND THEY MATCH! The ultimate insult was that all of a sudden the floor was level! I did eventually have to answer the call of nature and I note that they certainly didn't waste any of the money fixing up the men's room, though. I'm telling you, it could only have been worse if they hung up ferns in there.

Deja Vu. We really only went in there because we all loved the bartender, Jimmy Davies. The guy had tended bar through the 1950's, 60's and 70's and had more stories than the Brothers Grimm. The place was a pit, though. I seem to remember that there was one plank laid across the floor in front of the commode that was the only safe place to stand in the men's room. They also had one of those deodorant spritzing devices on the door of the loo that sprayed every time you opened or close the door. That helped a lot. That was sorta like hanging one of those pine tree air fresheners on the rear view mirror of a mens' prison bus. They had turtle races every Wednesday night so there was a huge aquarium full of the aforementioned thoroughbreds directly over the bar. Nothing like getting stared at by a bunch of turtles while you're drinking.

I'm going to give an honourable mention to the Cook County Forest Preserves here. Technically you aren't supposed to consume alcoholic beverages in the Forest Preserves and you are supposed to vacate the Preserves by sunset but try telling that to the gaggle of off duty cops that I was hanging around with one summer. When they threw us out of the bars at two o'clock, these guys just took a couple of cases and headed out to the Forest Preserve. One of the most annoying things was that they often tried to frag the odd raccoon out in the woods with their off duty piece. Charming. Obviously there can be no critique of the toilet facilities on this one as you only had your choice of ash, oak or maple. I'm sure that somebody would have called the Forest Preserve Police to report us but I think that their Chief was one of the prime instigators of these festivities.

Things have gotten so boring lately...

Best

AA

*Jeopardy, for the benefit of the non-USA members, is a quiz show where they give categories of questions for the participants to answer.