Advice for men about to be married

[Pleater]

And I thought that men only claimed not to understand women so as to get out of helping with the washing up.

Or loading and unloading the dishwasher.

For a long happy marriage do not put the sharp knives into the washing up bowl, or always place them in the cutlery basket point down - there have been fatalities.

Anne the Pleater :ootd:

[AKScott]

And I thought that men only claimed not to understand women so as to get out of helping with the washing up.

Or loading and unloading the dishwasher.

For a long happy marriage do not put the sharp knives into the washing up bowl, or always place them in the cutlery basket point down - there have been fatalities.

Anne the Pleater :ootd:

As an accomplished bachelor cook who is about to have three teenaged live-ins, this one goes all three ways. It isn't a boy thing or a girl thing or a child thing, to me. I'll try and come at the underlying theme in a general way.

Anyone who uses tools, I think, has some tools that just aren't available for loan. They are too valuable, too useful, they are too familiar; there is just something about them.

A blacksmith might have thirty hammers on the wall next to the forge, but there are two or three the apprentice doesn't get to swing until (s)he is a master.

A photographer might have 4-5 camera bodies and 20 or 30 lenses, and joyfully anticipate teaching a step child the craft, but there is going to be a lense or two in that collection that is for much later.

In the kitchen, I take responsibility for my saute pan, my balloon whisk and my knife block. Everything esle is subject to unusual wear and tear at the hands of those learning to function in the kitchen. But the reverse is each of those things I have to clean and put away before the students arrive in the kitchen. If they are left out and dirty for the students to learn on, that is my fault.

In our kitchen there are three other "skillets", two other whisks, and a vast array of other kitchen knives. Everyone in the house has the freedom and the tools to take on a more complex recipe than they have ever before attempted, with or without assistance.

As far as having knives in the washing up bowl, I left that behind when I started buying good knives for my cooking passion. My good knives are either 1) stored clean in my knifeblock, 2) being hand washed right now or 3) in use. Only. Likewise I have asked firmly that my good knives are to be used in the kitchen only, over a cutting board only to cut food only. We'll see how long that lasts.

I am not moving in until after the wedding, but I suspect sharing the bathroom will offers as many pitfalls as sharing the kitchen. Both the kitchen and the bathroom I think are shared resources that can not reasonably "belong" to any individual.

My sister solved the kitchen by requiring her non-cooking spouse (and now two children) to each make one meal every week. And clean up after themselves. Her household has reached a concensus equillibrium regarding the general state of the kitchen at her arrival.

[Bugbear]

I decided a long time ago to stay single. If I don't wash the dishes, they don't get washed.

And no, I don't have pictures of the dishes not being washed!

[ohiopiper]

#@%& happens. Good stuff takes work.

Realize that you ARE going to fight once in a while. Have ground rules for it ahead of time.

Know what your role is in the marriage. Suck it up and do your job. And your spouses job when they're having one of "those" days. We all have them, they'll return the favor when it's your turn to have a bad day.

A marriage is two human beings. Flawed, imperfect and innnately selfish. Recognize it and deal with it. Daily.

Learn how to really comunicate. Discussing the weather or sports page isn't communication.

Learn when to speak up, know when to keep your mouth shut. Some things are best left unsaid.

Develop a mindset that it is you two against the world. Distractions can tear a marriage apart. So can taking each other for granted.

10 years and two kids later, I'm still learning. And so is my lovely wife.

[Salvianus]

Coming up to my 20th year with my girl, 17 of them married.

We had nothing when we wed and have been through unemployment & debt, we've built successful careers and survived a series of serious illnesses, including depression and cancer. I won't pretend it has been easy, but when you've held hands to get through the unbearable, your bond just becomes stronger. Cancer has left me permanently ill and we now both face redundancy but our relationship has never been better.

I think it is significant that we were friends first, drawn together by a mutual admiration forged in campaigning for a common cause. As we have conquered life's problems that admiration has only deepened. I think one can foster that by sharing some interests and not others - she supported me in a demanding role in local government while I support her writing, for example. If there isn't much to admire yet, respect them and urge them to greatness.

You have to trust and you have to deserve it. I see an old girlfriend most weeks because she settled down with one of my best friends, my girl is in contact with old boyfriends via the web. It's largely about fidelity, especially for men, but it's also about trusting their opinion and having your partner's back when the chips are down, knowing they are on the side of the angels - remember 'Bridge Over Troubled Water'? You never fail them and you never quit on them. Not many can live up to that.

Give them everything you've got. That's the ancient material origin of marriage, but it's not about bank accounts, it's about making an effort, making sacrifices sometimes and not keeping count. The broken favourite cup, the annoying relative, the impulse buy, these things have to be made good, but they are trifles compared to losing a parent, losing a friend. Who cares about card company events like Valentine's, but keep up the odd romantic gesture, give them your time, take them out, keep looking out for jokes that make them laugh.

Much harder, you've got to let them give to you; don't fuss, don't be a hero, recognise it is good for you both and accept it with grace. However, beware giving something up entirely for each other if you love it. It might take a decade, but it tends to come back to bite you both, so compromise instead. For example I love to travel, she doesn't, especially abroad. I gave up bumming around Europe for her, but she goes camping with me sometimes and I put up with hotels sometimes.

How do you steer the right course between being a doormat and being an ***? You talk straight. [Spot the song lyrics here, but it's true]: Sweet talk, like candy, rots teeth, but tell them about it. Tell them you love them, tell them you want them, tell them when you are hacked off, tell them when it's their fault, tell them if you ever develop a fetish like wearing tartan skirts. Oh wait, they already know about that one, right? When they are unreasonable don't always blow up right back in their face, but think about what annoys you, pick your moment and be completely honest. Work it out together.

Like the man said:

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. 1 Corinthians 13: 4-8

My best wishes for your happiness.

[Rob, ClanMacMillan, NM]

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. 1 Corinthians 13: 4-8

When my wife and I were talking to the pastor about getting married, he mentioned the above verse but told us to replace the words "love & it" with our names and see if it would fit...

______ is patient, ______ is kind, ______ does not envy, ______ does not boast, ______ is not proud. ______ is not rude, ______ is not self-seeking, ______ is not easily angered, ______ keeps no record of wrongs. ______ does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ______ always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. ______ never fails.

I can not truthfully say that we've managed to follow this completely, ever (especially the "keeps no record of wrongs" part). But we do try. And we have been together 33 years and married for over 31 1/2.

Rob

[NorCalPiper]

My best advice is don't get married before the age of 30.

[Korvyn]

remember that what side of the bed you chose will be yours FOREVER! :P

[Burly Brute]

I am set to wed in January of 2012. Among many thoughts running through my mind, a good start is found in 1 Corinthians 13.

4Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant,

5does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered,

6does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth;

7bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

8Love never fails

[Chainsaw02]

The wife and I have been married for 48 years and here is my advice for you: I have way too many faults to pick on hers and she has way too many faults to pick on mine. So we just leave each other alone. End of story.

Larry Dirr