yesterday at work

[Alan H]

I have a bit of a situation here. I do computer support here at my University. One of the groups I support is headed up by a woman a few years younger than I, we'll call her Mary.

Now, Mary is very fashionable. She's fashionable in the way that a lot of women (and men, too) would like to be fashionable in that she doesn't really wear anything particularly distinctive or different, she just wears what everyone else wears and what's "in style". "Well groomed" in a casual but innately conservative style is how I'd describe it. She's very smart, very conscientious and very organized. However, being open to new ideas and change, especially change associated with things beyond her control is not, shall we say, her strong suit.

She also does a very, VERY good job at work and is the apple of the department directors eye. Mary can do no wrong and it's easy to see why. She does a very good job and she has an excellent customer support ethic. However, my work track record with Mary is not good. What I do for her is never good enough.

It's often that way in this business. It's like being the telephone company. The telephone is 99.99999% reliable, but once a year when something goes wrong and it goes down, Ohmigod, but the complaints flood in. Does anyone ever call up the phone company and thank them for the ten thousand calls they made that went through without a hitch? No. It's just the nature of the business,and I'm aware of it.

So here's the thing. Mary doesn't like my kilt. She doesn't say it outright, though once a few weeks ago she commented. "Well, don't you look eclectic, today". in a cold sort of way. Well, her distaste has climbed the ladder to my supervisor, via her supervisor and the Department director.

My supervisor discreetly told me that no, the department can't and won't tell me what to wear. If I want to wear a kilt I have every right to wear a kilt. However, my work relationship with Mary is very important and "you know how it's gone in the past, I don't need this to become another issue with her. There have been too many flash points in the past".

This is office politics at its worst, eh? So I invited Mary out to coffee yesterday, a day I wore my kilt to work. I told her "let's go over to the Moonbeans and get coffee and talk a bit about this kilt thing". I e-mailed her first and followed it up with a phone call several hours before the actual "date"' time so she could fit it into her schedule. I gavve her th eoption of meeting later in the week. She turned me down.

My feeling is that I've made an overture to listen to her concerns, which she probably wouldn't even have had the ovaries to actually tell me. If she can't tell me directly to my face what the problem is, and can only complain about it behind my back, then I'm inclined to basically write her off and just do my job as best I can and screw the politics. However, that sort of straightforward attitude has endangered my job in the past. In fact I tend to be blithely unaware of most of the department drek, but that has indirectly cost me a job in past so I'm hypersensitive to the issue now. Yet I'll be damned if I'm going to go around playing games all the time.

Thanks for reading, gang....long post. OK, X Marks...what are your thoughts?

[KiltedBishop]

Well as someone in the 'Puter biz I understand. No one thinks until something breaks.
okay well I would explain to your supervisor that this kilt is Mary's problem not yours. You are wearing a garment steeped in history and tradition of your cultural heritage. It isn't offending anyone (I am assuming you wear it well, and don't misbehave in it) and that indeed you tried speaking to her about it but she didn't take you up on it. You have done what you can, you have been and will continue to do your job. You are also at an advantage being not only in California but also at a University. Remind your supervisor that many of the Alumni are proud Scots and Irish, and that your being rebuffed because of being proud of your heritage isn't something to be taken lightly. Or something along those lines.
This is about her, not you. You need to be fair and explain to your boss that you tried to work it out but she wasn't having it. And also however indirectly let them know you're feeling "pressured" and a little "Hostility" in your work place. These two words are key for HARASSMENT, which can lead to big suits.
I am not saying go on the attack but be prepared to fight for yourself, don't just rollover on this. She has a problem with you, and that happens but that is no reason to make you be the only one to deal with it. People clash, but BOTH people have to be adults and get past. It's part of a job. You tried she didn't.

Sorry so long in response but this gets me a little heated.

[cavscout]

very well said KiltedBishop.

[Casey]

I have been a manager for almost 30 years. From my view point it would appear that you are in a "no win" situation.

Mary seems to have the controlling hand here.

Which is more important, kilt or job?

Sorry my friend, but you are holding on to the poopie end of the stick.

[bjcustard]

...However, my work track record with Mary is not good. What I do for her is never good enough.

Do you really think it's the kilt...? Do you really think it's...you?

Is it possible this person has a problem with you? Ask yourself, if it was not the kilt it would have been the shirt or the hat or your email signature?

Only you know what your situation is, and I can't give you any advice worth more that what you're paying for it...

...but, as I think KiltedBishop alluded to, you are in the right. Always easier to be on Offense than on Defense.

[Doc Hudson]

KiltedBishop and Casey both made very astute observations. Trouble is I agree with both of them.

Yiou definitely have the poopie end of the stick.

I also agree that you should have a discussion with your supervisor and ask him to invite Mary and her supervisor to join you.

Show that you are willing to discuss the situation and that Mary is the one who is being disruptive. Also be sure to use the word harrassment, but don't threaten a lawsuit. At least not yet.

Best of Luck.

[Raphael]

I would use this coffee date to figure out what her problem is and let her talk, but still in control. Listen to her concern and think before you answer her. If needed, set up a follow up meeting with her.

[cavscout]

As mentioned earlier which is more important? The kilt or the job.

I believe the issue is in her mind and as the administration has told you that the School (Employer) will not tell you what you can and cannot wear, then you have no problem as far as keeping a job.

What's important now is ensuring that she cannot ever argue that you have slighted her in service or made her feel threatened because of her issue with your kilt.

The best would be to come in, fix her computer, and leave. Always being professional and corteous. Maybe even keep a detailed journal of her service calls in case you ever need to recall something that happens.

[Avonlea22]

Other than the "eclectic" comment, what else has she said to you? Are you sure she has a problem with the kilt? Are you possibly reading into a situation more than you should?

[bubba]

To me she sounds like a "perfectionist". You can never please that kind. Wear your kilt tastefully, remain polite and courteous, continue providing the best job you can. You've tried to talk it over and she's rebuffed it and you can prove it. If it comes down to her complaining there is evidence she's the disruptive element. Personally, I doubt she'll make any issue of it besides minor little remarks to you now.