Words

[Southern Breeze]

I got this in an e-mail some time ago.

WORDS

1. A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired.

2. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).

3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

4. A backward poet writes inverse.

5. In democracy it's your vote that counts; In feudalism, it's
your Count that votes.

6. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

7. If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

8. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

9. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you
A-flat minor.

10. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

11. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

12. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in
Linoleum Blownapart.

13. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

14. Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.

15. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

16. Every calendar's days are numbered.

17. A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine.

18. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

19. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

20. A plateau is a high form of flattery.

21. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small
medium at large.

22. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the
end.

23. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

24. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

25. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought
she'd dye.

26. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

27. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

28. Acupuncture is a jab well done.

29. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

[kilted in kleaveland]

Great stuff! It's good to see some wit. Thanks for sharing!

[highlandcelt]

Bwahahahaha! That was funny! Great post!

[MacWage]

Continue to wax eloquently!

They are wonderful usage of terminology and homonyms.

[Big Paul]

Great stuff!

[Southern Breeze]

Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery .
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.
My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it's just kiln time.
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way.
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
Shotgun wedding A case of wife or death.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
I used to be a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.
Without geometry, life is pointless.
When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
If electricity comes from electrons... does that mean that morality comes from morons?

[Nick]

Polonius: What do you read, my lord?

Hamlet: Words, words, words.

Polonius: What is the matter, my lord?

Hamlet: Between who?

Polonius: I mean, the matter that you read, my lord.

(Hamlet II, ii, 191-195)

[Pour1Malt]

Last week, I went to a furniture store to look for a decaffeinated coffee table. They couldn't help me.

What's another word for "thesaurus"?

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

I went to a general store, but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

I spilled Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time.

I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wakeup letter.

Hermits have no peer pressure.

How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't live there?

[Blu (Ontario)]

The jogger who ran in downtown traffic was exhausted.

[smaughazard]

Some of these are almost Swifties*:

"Would you marry me?" Tom asked engagingly.

"You'll have to fill in the details," said Tom blankly.

"I want my bacon well-done," Tom said crisply.

"I need a pencil sharpener," said Tom bluntly.

"Oops! There goes my hat!" said Tom off the top of his head.

"I can no longer hear anything," said Tom deftly.

"I have a split personality," said Tom, being frank.

"This must be an aerobics class," Tom worked out.

* Anybody else remember the old Tom Swift books?