A lesson from the Rotary Club for XMTS

**Panache** · 11th March 09, 11:06 AM

To the Ladies and Gentlemen of XMTS,

I was out having a long (kilted) stroll in the park last Sunday and when I came to the drinking fountain I was delighted that it featured a lower spigot for my loyal canine companion. This fountain had been placed there my the local Rotary Club. A small plaque explained "The Four Way Test" . Now I was unfamiliar with this and took the time to write the words down in the little memo book I carry on my person.

This is test asks on four questions about what one is going to communicate.

Is it the Truth?

Is it Fair to all concerned?

Will it build Goodwill and Better Friendships?

Will it be Beneficial to all concerned?

It would be wonderful if we all took the time to apply this test to what we write here before hitting the "submit" button.

Cheers

Jamie

**Ayin McFye** · 11th March 09, 11:15 AM

I agree to a certain point. I'm assuming that you are referring to any emails that dance that line of what's appropriate and what's not.

There are lots of threads started that may only be beneficial to the person that started the thread, may not build friendships, or really be fair to someone. Although I definitely agree with the Truth line. Nobody should feel they have to lie about anything on this site, although I'm sure it probably happens.

Some people are on this site are only here for themselves and that's it. They aren't really concerned with anyone elses needs or input, and that's fine in my opinion, and long at nobody get disrespectful.

We are a family of sorts, and as most of us probably know there is normally an unruly brother/sister/cousin/nephew or whatever in our family that we don't look forward to seeing during those holiday gatherings, but they're still family. There are people on this site, that I don't value their opinion, and don't really care what they have to offer to a conversation. Then there are those people on this list that I do value their opinion, and their friendship.

My point is that it's hard to be "fair to everyone" or "beneficial to everyone".

Like I said in the beginning though, I'm assuming that you are referring to those emails/threads that dance the line between what is appropriate or not.

Just my two cents though.

PS. the dog's water fountain is pretty cool!

**thescot** · 11th March 09, 11:17 AM

Can't argue with that, but then one can rarely argue with anything Panache suggests.

Of course, I have found that a liberal use of emoticons keeps the raw words from coming off as rude or sarcastic when I don't intend that. Of course, the written word, devoid of the nuances of body language and tone of voice, are easily misread.

Generally, I find that the principles proposed here--and by Rotary--are practiced well here.

Thanks, Panache. As always, you are quite right.

**pdcorlis** · 11th March 09, 11:20 AM

Great suggestions Jamie - I always try to ask myself three questions before I open my trap...

1. Does it have to be said?

2. Does it have to be said by me?

3. Does it have to be said by me right now?

Cheers!

**Alaskan Kilted Guy** · 11th March 09, 11:21 AM

Hmm interesting.

Sometimes I think that if you are following the "Is it the Truth?" guideline, then the "Will it build Goodwill and Better Friendships?" guideline is missed.

So is it best to tell the truth or not? Should we be nice all the time? Will a true friend accept the truth?

To paraphrase Jack Nicholson in the movie "A few good men", some people can't handle the truth.

**Captain Karrot** · 11th March 09, 01:44 PM

Originally Posted by Alaskan Kilted Guy

So is it best to tell the truth or not? Should we be nice all the time? Will a true friend accept the truth?

Goes back to that old question from your wife/girlfriend - "Do these jeans make my butt look fat?" Do we answer truthfully, "No, it's your butt that makes your butt look fat", or do we take the high road and just so "No, not at all".

This may come across as a smart alec response, but it is not. Get's to the root of AKG's question - is it always best to tell the truth?

**Ayin McFye** · 11th March 09, 01:49 PM

Originally Posted by Captain Karrot

Goes back to that old question from your wife/girlfriend - "Do these jeans make my butt look fat?" Do we answer truthfully, "No, it's your butt that makes your butt look fat", or do we take the high road and just so "No, not at all".

This may come across as a smart alec response, but it is not. Get's to the root of AKG's question - is it always best to tell the truth?

By saying "No not at all" you aren't technically lying. The jeans "don't" make her look fat.

The question was do the jeans make her look fat. And they don't. Something else might be contributing to how she looks, but it's not the jeans. So by saying "no not at all" you still told the truth.

**Alaskan Kilted Guy** · 11th March 09, 01:58 PM

So, then one must be very careful in not only the responses they make to others, but in the question they ask in the first place.

**Panache** · 11th March 09, 01:59 PM

Originally Posted by Alaskan Kilted Guy

...Sometimes I think that if you are following the "Is it the Truth?" guideline, then the "Will it build Goodwill and Better Friendships?" guideline is missed.

So is it best to tell the truth or not? Should we be nice all the time? Will a true friend accept the truth?.

AKG,

I think you might be missing the point here. This test isn't designed for dealing personally (and privately) with someone close to you. It is about communicating within a community

It really isn't that hard to be polite, be nice, and tell the truth within a group.

When one writes or speaks does one have to express that truth with the exact words and emotions that immediately spring to mind?

No

Because that interior part of us isn't very polite. It isn't interested in other's feelings. It is all about us.

Freud called it the Id.

We need to examine those feelings and thoughts and see if we can form our words to communicate an opinion with others feelings and thoughts in mind. It requires looking at the other person's perspective.

Most times it means showing restraint.

Sometimes it even means not sharing one's opinion because you realizes it isn't beneficial, it isn't constructive, and it lacks goodwill for the group.

But if what you want to say isn't isn't beneficial, it isn't constructive, and it lacks goodwill for the group why would you bother to say it anyway?

Not one of us can say they are perfect. We all have our biases, our prejudices, our anger, greed, vanity, hurt, fear, all those less pleasant things that make us human.

While all these are part of us, we are certainly a lot more than them.

When one speaks or writes, shouldn't it come from our better natures?

So within a community like XMTS if what you are trying to share doesn't past this test, is it really something the community needs?

I think the Rotarians are on to something...

...and so are the Ladies and Gentlemen of X Marks the Scot

Cheers

Jamie

**Alaskan Kilted Guy** · 11th March 09, 05:00 PM

Then I may be feeling picked on. It seems to me that there are some folks here who's posts tend to not follow the said "Four Questions" quite regularly, and no notice is made. Others it seems, are taken to task for much less.

Point in case: http://www.xmarksthescot.com/forum/s...858/index.html

At no point does Wolfgore ask for opinions. He simply says hey... look at this. For a couple of pages, the responses are along the line of.. nice, or cool stuff. Then there are a few posts that have no relevance to the thread, nor do they follow the priciples of the "Four Questions." One of those happens to be about fairness. Hmm...