The PM's New Band Policy

**Jack Daw** · 25th August 08, 04:14 PM

(Stolen from a piper buddy who's feeling it)

New band policy

sick leave:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as an excuse or proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to practice.

Personal days:
Each member will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called saturdays and sundays.

Bereavement leave:
This is no excuse for missing practice. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have friends attend to the funeral arrangements. Only a death in your immediate family -- your own -- is an acceptable excuse.

Bathroom breaks during practice:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now a strict three minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of the three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken.
After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the band bulletin board in the 'chronic offenders' section. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be dealt with under the band's mental health policy.

Refreshment break:
Skinny people get 15 minutes, as they need to eat or drink more, so they can look healthy. Normal size people get 10 minutes to get a balanced amount of nourishment to maintain their average figure. Chubby people get 5 minutes, because that's all the time needed to drink a slim fast or light beer.

Thank you for your loyalty to our band. We are here to provide a positive practice experience. All questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations and input should be directed elsewhere.

You will wear white hose when you are: Piping with the band; piping solo; not piping at all; wearing dark suits; and, in the shower.

The pipe major