Random advice about a random matter needed

**CDNSushi** · 12th October 10, 05:27 PM

I'm sharing this with the rabble because I could use a fresh perspective. I've been wrestling with a conundrum for some time now, and I just don't seem to be making much headway. I'd write a "Dear Abby" letter but from what I've known my friends on XMarks to be, I think I can get better advice here! (Note to mods: No professional or medical or legal advice is requested herein)...

Social minefield: Every year, we get a new batch of English teachers here in Japan, arriving from all walks of life, and all corners of the world. We are all co-workers while on the clock, and all friends after-hours. It doesn't happen so often, but this year is one year where everyone seems to be friends with everyone else, and all the people get along smashingly with one another.

As a result, every time I log into Facebook, there are a half-dozen invites to various events, parties, nights out, and so on. Plus, everyone keeps in touch with one another by e-mail and SMS regarding birthdays, get-togethers, trips… Even now, a sub-group of our friends is planning a trip abroad over Christmas to holiday in Singapore and then Indonesia. It's really a fantastic group…

This is the backdrop to my conundrum. Every year, my wife and I organize a Thanksgiving party in November, to coincide with Thanksgiving in the United States and a similar Japanese national holiday. We bake two turkeys and have a potluck event where we all get together as "family" away from family, as we are a fairly close-knit ex-pat community.

There are roughly 12-14 people in this "circle of friends" and all of them are already stoked about the upcoming party in November. All of us drink alcohol socially -- there are no abstainers in the group… However, that said, there are about 5 individuals who really LOVE to drink -- much too much. It's too much for my comfort (and that of my wife) and it's too much for at least a couple of our other friends too (even though we are all friends with each other). Now, as much as we all enjoy our Thanksgiving bash, there have been a few occasions that things have gotten out of hand -- and that concerns me. Three years ago, a guest drank too much and got sick; two years ago, one of our guests made quite a fool of herself… Last year, because of these incidents we took a break from hosting the event due to the lack of discretion shown by these guests. The solution then was to have a different friend host the event at their house instead of ours, and that effectively took the guest list out from under our control and the offending people weren't invited. I really can't do that this year, as the group we currently have is very close and intimate with each other. It just wouldn't fly to not invite specific people, as it would really damage relationships.

Both my wife and I have had private conversations already with the 5 people who tend to over-indulge, and they recognize our position and seem to be cooperative (at least in theory). One of the people said quite openly that she would defer to our "house rules" whatever they might be, and I know that the others would be okay with that too. However, just TELLING them: "please don't get smashed" is okay in theory. When the bottles are in front of them, I'm afraid they'll succumb to the temptation (I'm speaking from experience).

Now, I'm just buffaloed as to what kind of "house rules" I can establish so that everyone has a good time and doesn't get completely gooned at the party. I don't want to have a "dry" event because that will annoy everybody, in particular the 7-8 people who drink responsibly and would really enjoy a couple of glasses of wine… One friend suggested that we simply regulate how many bottles of wine and other drinks are open at the table at any one time. It's a good suggestion, but I don't think it's enough. And I'm afraid that if I institute any sort of limits to the amount of alcohol consumed AT the party, I'm going to have those who don't feel like it's enough, and will either ARRIVE already "primed" or will excuse themselves during the party to go take a walk (or smoke break) and have more at that point.

Sorry for the long-windedness, but that's the background info. My request for advice is very simple. What would you do if you were in my shoes? Would you…. Have a no-alcohol event anyway? Would you do what I did last year and have someone else host it at their house? Would you establish some kind of limit? If so, what kind of limit? How would you implement it? Anyone have other, original or unique ideas or solutions? Have you ever been in such a situation? How did you resolve it?

Please bear in mind that this is not to talk about whether or not certain individuals have a problem with alcohol. That is a whole other issue that may (and probably will) have to be discussed one-on-one with at least a couple of individuals at some juncture. The point of this is to help me organize an event that everyone will enjoy safely and without becoming a nuisance to others.

**be da veva** · 12th October 10, 05:36 PM

We had this problem a few years back. I fixed it this way; A party is a good opportunity (sp?) to try something new. We bought a bunch of different beers that are made locally and incorporated them to the party theme. Some people even brought their own kind of alcohol to try. Result was that the drinks were smaller and more diverse. By the time you found something you really did enjoy, chances were that there wasn't much left to overindulge. Now we also do it with the food. Some mixes are bizarre and others pretty good. Hope this helps.

**Jordan** · 12th October 10, 05:42 PM

Ive been at partys where people have had a little too much and been sick, if you give them fair warning that they throw up they clean up it might help disuade them other than that have a quiet word and hope that they can be responsible adults.

Sorry I know its not much,
Jordan

**gary meakin** · 12th October 10, 07:14 PM

Unfortunately you've already started something and now your hands are tied. You've spoken to the individuals and told them you'll have house rules they have to follow. If the accept these terms you're stuck and have to hope they abide by them in practice as well as theory. I might have started with telling them they couldn't be invited because of their past behavior. But that's a moot point because they're invited already. If these individuals show up and overindulge to the point of ruining the event then I think you and the other guests need to hold them accountable then and there. I know we all worry about not offending people but if these people don't give you and your other guests the respect you deserve, you need to call them on it and not make the 'innocent' suffer for the bad form of a few.

**Riverkilt** · 12th October 10, 07:16 PM

Being an alcoholic with many many years of experience on both sides of wet/dry can tell you there's no way you can win....impossible. Hold it and suffer again. Don't hold it and field some resentments.

Doctors say more than four drinks at one sitting for men, or more than three drinks in one sitting for women, is binge drinking. There's no way you can control the supply since the booze lovers can bring their own or step outside to their own supply.

Does Japan have an equivalent of a dram shop law where you could be held responsible if someone got drunk at your party then hurt themself or someone else on the way home.

Friends once tried collecting all the keys and providing bedding for all the party goers for the night. One of the drunks woke up to relieve himself - in a stupor he relieved himself in a little girls closet. So even key holding can backfire.

Maybe if you had a neutral location you could rent - like some hall somewhere....then the "damage" would remain there.

It sure don't look good. You are very very wise not to ignore the results of past years.

**CDNSushi** · 12th October 10, 08:14 PM

Thanks for the advice so far... Good stuff. I like be da veva's suggestion quite a bit.

Addressing a couple points made by Riverkilt:

Originally Posted by Riverkilt

Doctors say more than four drinks at one sitting for men, or more than three drinks in one sitting for women, is binge drinking.

If you could PM me a reputable source for those figures, I'd be very grateful. It's something that I could casually discuss with my friends without a) offending them b) coming across as a jerk, and c) have a source to back it up... (Being all teachers they are a fairly educated bunch)...

Originally Posted by Riverkilt

Does Japan have an equivalent of a dram shop law where you could be held responsible if someone got drunk at your party then hurt themself or someone else on the way home.

Absolutely they do! Unfortunately it has mostly to do with drunk driving... I.e. if you get caught drunk-driving, the host of the party who served the alcohol may get fined.

Originally Posted by Riverkilt

Friends once tried collecting all the keys and providing bedding for all the party goers for the night. One of the drunks woke up to relieve himself - in a stupor he relieved himself in a little girls closet. So even key holding can backfire.

Due to our unique situation, no one will be driving because having a car and a driver's license in Japan is challenging if you're an ex-pat, and since most of our friends are not living here long-term, we don't have that issue. BUT, having said that, Japan's drunk-driving laws DO apply to bicycles, so Riverkilt, you may be onto something. I certainly COULD cite the aforementioned "dram shop law" that would get me in trouble if they were caught cycling home drunk...

Originally Posted by Riverkilt

Maybe if you had a neutral location you could rent - like some hall somewhere....then the "damage" would remain there.

Also a good idea. We have several community centers at our disposal. Unfortunately if something were to happen there, my wife's good reputation might be affected. She's gone to great pains to establish a good reputation at these places in order to organize Japanese lessons for foreigners, and if one of our friends did something stupid, she might be asked not to come back -- which would be really bad news for a lot of other people.

Again, good suggestions so far. I just had my own idea as I've been reading through this... WHat do you suppose would happen if I designated one person official "bartender"...? I wonder if I could get away with that?

**Jordan** · 12th October 10, 08:32 PM

Official bartender sounds like a good idea, only having one person with access to the fridge/ drinks cabinet will stop people just going and having as much as they want and providing the bartender isn’t too busy he/she would also be able to say "wee Jimmy's had too much" and give him a soft drink instead.
The problem might be depending on how many people you have invited that the designated bartender could be too busy and might not enjoy the evening as much or they may upset people if they turn round and say they’ve had too much.