I am planning to be cremated and have made that plain to one and all. It's a matter of not wanting to waste a plot of land where no one will ever go visit. If my ashes can be spread over the ocean, so much the better. Kind of a "home is the sailor, home from the sea" thing.

If I were to be laid out for public viewing and a wake, I would definitely want to be kilted with my best day sporrn and my masonic apron in place. Then I would want them to remove all the good stuff before closing the lid and shipping me off to the crematorium. That would be the best of both worlds.

Oh, and by the way, I have pretty well planned it all out, music and all. Funerals are for the living, and there are some things I want the living to take away--assuming anyone takes the time to show up. And, there are strick instructions to pass around a bottle or two of some 25 year-old scotch since I'm too cheap to buy it in this life.

There should be a few key songs: "Ashoken Farewell," "51st (Highland) Division's Farewell to Sicily," "Flowers of the Forest," and "Gong Home." All that . . .in a kilt . . .with bag pipes and mournful gaelic music! Dang, I'd hate to miss that!