Random advice about a random matter needed

[BobsYourUncle]

This would be helpful. You might consider hiring one for the purpose.

Having already had a word with the individuals in question my advice as a sometime professional bartender is as follows.

1. Let everyone know that the event will not be dry, but it will be low key upon invitation.
2. Anyone who looks like they're getting too comfortable with yet another drink get's warned, "You're not going to make me cut you off, are you"? Really, these exact words will often take someone down a peg for you. At least they have for me.
3. IF you do cut someone off, bring them water and tell them they're done drinking if they want to stay. Look them in the eye.
4. Be prepared to follow through if it comes to it. Make it clear every step of the way and everyone will be on your side whenever anyone steps out of the bounds of propriety.

Just my 2p. Good luck.

X

I agree with Xman - hire a professional bartender for the night. It saves you to assist your wife and play the host. And if the bartender cuts off someone, well, he looks like the the bad guy, not you.

I agree with Riverkilt and the above quoted gentlemen. I would suggest that you find a commercial venue in which to hold the event, perhaps even have the event in a restaurant. While using the local halls you speak of may damage your wife's reputation and prevent her from holding classes there, that just says to me that you need to look for a different venue away from your home.

Having the event catered, or simply hiring a professional bartender to serve drinks in your home, also sounds like a great solution. You take yourself out of the middle, and put things on a professional footing. Assuming that a professional bartender has a license, that license, or any other liability, is a neutral factor that can be used to deny someone who has overindulged without making it a personal fight with you.

I hope you find a resolution to your problem that allows you to enjoy the event without so much angst and anxiety.

[csbdr]

With the greatest of respect to you. It is your house and as such your guests should follow your standards. It is not for them to dictate to you how they should behave under your roof, what they do under their own roof, or other roofs, is entirely another matter altogether. Yes of course there are diplomatic repercussions, but that cuts both ways. You are gracious enough to open your house to guests and if the guests are not able to consider their behaviour as acceptable under your roof then firstly they should not come and secondly you should not feel obliged to ask them, particularly if you know their past unacceptable actions.

Word will get round that at Mr Dunlop's house there is an expected code of behaviour AND SO IT DAMN WELL SHOULD! You don't have to apologise to anyone for wanting civilised behaviour under your roof and that does not mean for one second that a good time cannot be had by all------hosts and guests. Your first post here demonstrates that some of your potential guests are influencing your life and the lives of the other well behaved guests and in my book, that will not do under any circumstances.

Unless the message gets through that there is an expected code of behaviour at Mr Dunlop's house, from all concerned, you will continue to have this problem.It is called respect and you should not have to apologise as a host for expecting it.If your friends cannot for a few hours behave themselves as your guests, then are they really friends? Not in my book and they are just being plain selfish, in that case I would have absolutely no problem in not inviting them, closed community or not.

Expat community be damned....I would not be sacrificing my own values in the name of reputation one way or another. What exactly are you afraid people will start to think if you set what are REASONABLE limits and expectations for conduct in your home? I understand that varioous communities and cultures (Japanese included) have different views on alcohol consumption and drunkenness, and you want to consider all the angles, but you are the one who has to face the man in the mirror everyday. I applaude you for trying to keep everything in mind, but have to agree with Jock on this one....

[CDNSushi]

If you believe them to be alcoholics, then it is important that you not enable or allow them to draw you into the sickness. If they simply young and impetuous people, then you don't have to play.

I think that age is certainly a factor, at least to SOME degree... My wife and I have an average of 10 years on many of these young whippersnappers! Not that I qualify as a curmudgeon (yet) but there is indeed a generation gap. For many of these teachers, coming to Japan and teaching English is their first job out of college.

To everyone else who has responded, I thank you -- I am indeed not disappointed with the varied responses. I especially appreciate the input of those who have "been there and done that" and learned how to navigate this kind of social minefield in the future.

I am confident that we will be able to organize an event that everyone will enjoy, but I'm going to have to sleep on it yet before making any final decisions. In the mean time, my wife has already suggested that we start organizing some smaller, less formal, DRY events -- both at our house and elsewhere, just to get people into the mindset that drinking is absolutely not necessary to enjoy oneself.

[wildrover]

Xman really has it down cold, if you intend to let it flow more or less freely.

Another thought...if this is a formal or semi-formal event, and people will be sitting and eating all at once as opposed to eating randomly over several hours and milling about the room, how about announcing a wine paired with the course, pouring one for everyone, then the next round and so forth? Either in the "tasting" scenario mentioned earlier, or simply as a glass with the meal, as one might receive in a restaurant when buying by the glass.

Either way, you are providing the alcohol as a classy experience, in a controlled environment, and demonstrating how it may be enjoyed as opposed to how it may be used to get everyone $#!+faced. You're also controlling the amount everyone gets, in doing so controlling the amount that these particular individuals receive, without looking like it--similar to how signs marked "no dogs, inline skates, bicycles or skateboards" are posted to keep skateboarders away (seriously).

If it's more like a potluck, Xman's idea and the "you puke, you clean" suggestion are good ones.

How about mentioning "alcohol provided, no flasks or outside alcohol please" in the invites? Three drinks per head, no exceptions, and don't worry about people swiping others' drinks, it's likely to happen but unlikely to go unnoticed, which brings me to another point.

If this is such a tight-knit community, why are other members of the community not calling these individuals on their behavior? Would others back you up, in the event that someone gets out of hand? Would others be willing to keep a weather eye out, in case something like that happens? Have you mentioned your reluctance to the group (and without naming any names) to host this event due to the concern for over-indulgence? You speak of this group as if there is a powerful dynamic at work...currently it exerts pressure on you. Use that same pressure to mitigate the potential actions of these individuals who are likely to cause a problem.

-Sean

[Lallans]

When I was of a certain age, a party wasn't a party unless something really drunken and outrageous happened, which could include such fun stuff as indoor projectile vomiting or furniture getting smashed. Perhaps John Belushi was to blame but this was an expectation of youth and I still remember how surprising it was the first time a friend hosted an all-guys booze-up thing in his house and nothing like the above happended- although I didn't notice the lack of outrage untill the next day.

Setting behaviour limits as you have already done will go a long way in your case and if you're 10 years older and stress that this event is in your home and in front of your wife and Japanese neighbourhood, that will also help. As previous posts have stated, an alcoholic will not be able to control their intake but if my considerable personal exposure counts for anything they're generally able to control their overall behaviour in public unless on a real t--ts-up-in-the- gutter bender. Limiting the available booze will work well even with them, I expect. See what happens this year and go from there.

Something else to keep in mind is that any young (or older) American present is bound to be in the throes of major homesickness, US Thanksgiving being a major family get-together type of holiday.

[westy1970]

I would video the whole event and if they are out of hand, post it on facebook and send copies the their parents so they can see what tools they raised. Public humiliation can go a long towards prevention!

[Pleater]

Not being familiar with the tradition - I get the impression that it is an evening event, where dinner drifts into partying.

As you did not hold the event at your house last year perhaps you could alter the focus of the celebration and have the meal at lunch time and then go out to some other venue, if that is possible.

It could be to visit the cinema, or to fly kites in the park, go rollerskating - but they have to be sober to be included. If someone does arrive already merry and proceeds to drink more then they are sent home and not included in the next part of the celebrations.

Even better, have the main course at your house and then go out to somewhere which does wonderful desserts (but no drink), then go on somewhere else - cutting down access and making even more opportunities to lose problematic people.

Anne the Pleater :ootd:

[wildrover]

Not being familiar with the tradition - I get the impression that it is an evening event, where dinner drifts into partying.

Thanksgiving is very much a family holiday...no partying to speak of, generally.

Though I suppose partying is very context-sensitive...but it's a fairly low key holiday, not the sort where people get drunk and throw furniture. More like, I could see someone drinking too much wine, saying something stupid, and puking in a potted plant...but that's about it...Thanksgiving isn't really a party holiday.

Halloween, now there's a party holiday!

[Lallans]

I see that in Japan it will be "Labour Thanksgiving Day" and seems to be set up to coincide with the US one across the dateline. How does that work, I mean, what happens? Do they give thanks to Labour for all the hard work? Or do they give thanks for having a job? Or what? I have to say, and not that the Japanese should care, that I liked the older more traditional holidays like Boys Day and so on. At least, they looked good in the movies etc.

[Lallans]

OK never mind I just looked it up already.