Random advice about a random matter needed

[artificer]

Aye, you've got yourself a thorny situation there.

Perhaps a change in the dynamic of the gathering might help.
In my university days, I spent a lot of time around a group of exchange students from Asia.
I know your group is composed of westerners, but if they've adopted the traditions of lots of small toasts, refilling everyone's glasses before each toast, etc that I saw from my group of friends (who weren't uniformly Japanese, but from all over Asia), that may be part of the issue. It's VERY easy to have one-too-many in that atmosphere.

What if you shifted the party to a 'tasting menu' style of affair, where numerous small portions are introduced, each with a TINY sample of a wine/beer/etc that is meant to coordinate with. This puts the focus on presentation and truly TASTING each thing (booze included) rather than consuming volume. It also takes longer for each small course to be brought out and consumed, ESPECIALLY if someone in the know helps describe the various offerings and their thoughts on the interaction of food and drink. (and perhaps time for your guests in need to 'get their bearings').

It ends up being more work to prepare, but the change in style of the gathering may give you the edge in throwing off your guests patterns of behavior without the need for a showdown on 'rules of the house' (which you are entirely in the right to do BTW).

[thescot]

I believe that xman and Jock have good ideas. You don't have to be the slave of people acting badly. If that causes strife, then it's not on your head. I would make it plain again that overindugence is not OK, and I would also limit the amount of alcohol present. And make it plain that flasks are not OK as well.

Sure diplomacy is required, but that goes around. If you believe them to be alcoholics, then it is important that you not enable or allow them to draw you into the sickness. If they simply young and impetuous people, then you don't have to play.

Maybe I'm just old and crusty, but I will not be a party to rude or embarrassing behavior like that. I frew up in an alcoholic home, and I won't do that again. I enjoy a drink now and then, but I won't be a part of a friend's overindulgence, whether it's imprtuous or pathological. The DSM gives some pretty good guidelines, but even if it's not a sickness, it's not desirable either.

You just don't have to tolerate it in your own home. I like the "Am I going to have to cut you off?" approach. And then cut off and/or call a cab.

Good luck.

[CDNSushi]

If you believe them to be alcoholics, then it is important that you not enable or allow them to draw you into the sickness. If they simply young and impetuous people, then you don't have to play.

I think that age is certainly a factor, at least to SOME degree... My wife and I have an average of 10 years on many of these young whippersnappers! Not that I qualify as a curmudgeon (yet) but there is indeed a generation gap. For many of these teachers, coming to Japan and teaching English is their first job out of college.

To everyone else who has responded, I thank you -- I am indeed not disappointed with the varied responses. I especially appreciate the input of those who have "been there and done that" and learned how to navigate this kind of social minefield in the future.

I am confident that we will be able to organize an event that everyone will enjoy, but I'm going to have to sleep on it yet before making any final decisions. In the mean time, my wife has already suggested that we start organizing some smaller, less formal, DRY events -- both at our house and elsewhere, just to get people into the mindset that drinking is absolutely not necessary to enjoy oneself.

[wildrover]

Xman really has it down cold, if you intend to let it flow more or less freely.

Another thought...if this is a formal or semi-formal event, and people will be sitting and eating all at once as opposed to eating randomly over several hours and milling about the room, how about announcing a wine paired with the course, pouring one for everyone, then the next round and so forth? Either in the "tasting" scenario mentioned earlier, or simply as a glass with the meal, as one might receive in a restaurant when buying by the glass.

Either way, you are providing the alcohol as a classy experience, in a controlled environment, and demonstrating how it may be enjoyed as opposed to how it may be used to get everyone $#!+faced. You're also controlling the amount everyone gets, in doing so controlling the amount that these particular individuals receive, without looking like it--similar to how signs marked "no dogs, inline skates, bicycles or skateboards" are posted to keep skateboarders away (seriously).

If it's more like a potluck, Xman's idea and the "you puke, you clean" suggestion are good ones.

How about mentioning "alcohol provided, no flasks or outside alcohol please" in the invites? Three drinks per head, no exceptions, and don't worry about people swiping others' drinks, it's likely to happen but unlikely to go unnoticed, which brings me to another point.

If this is such a tight-knit community, why are other members of the community not calling these individuals on their behavior? Would others back you up, in the event that someone gets out of hand? Would others be willing to keep a weather eye out, in case something like that happens? Have you mentioned your reluctance to the group (and without naming any names) to host this event due to the concern for over-indulgence? You speak of this group as if there is a powerful dynamic at work...currently it exerts pressure on you. Use that same pressure to mitigate the potential actions of these individuals who are likely to cause a problem.

-Sean

[Lallans]

When I was of a certain age, a party wasn't a party unless something really drunken and outrageous happened, which could include such fun stuff as indoor projectile vomiting or furniture getting smashed. Perhaps John Belushi was to blame but this was an expectation of youth and I still remember how surprising it was the first time a friend hosted an all-guys booze-up thing in his house and nothing like the above happended- although I didn't notice the lack of outrage untill the next day.

Setting behaviour limits as you have already done will go a long way in your case and if you're 10 years older and stress that this event is in your home and in front of your wife and Japanese neighbourhood, that will also help. As previous posts have stated, an alcoholic will not be able to control their intake but if my considerable personal exposure counts for anything they're generally able to control their overall behaviour in public unless on a real t--ts-up-in-the- gutter bender. Limiting the available booze will work well even with them, I expect. See what happens this year and go from there.

Something else to keep in mind is that any young (or older) American present is bound to be in the throes of major homesickness, US Thanksgiving being a major family get-together type of holiday.

[westy1970]

I would video the whole event and if they are out of hand, post it on facebook and send copies the their parents so they can see what tools they raised. Public humiliation can go a long towards prevention!

[Pleater]

Not being familiar with the tradition - I get the impression that it is an evening event, where dinner drifts into partying.

As you did not hold the event at your house last year perhaps you could alter the focus of the celebration and have the meal at lunch time and then go out to some other venue, if that is possible.

It could be to visit the cinema, or to fly kites in the park, go rollerskating - but they have to be sober to be included. If someone does arrive already merry and proceeds to drink more then they are sent home and not included in the next part of the celebrations.

Even better, have the main course at your house and then go out to somewhere which does wonderful desserts (but no drink), then go on somewhere else - cutting down access and making even more opportunities to lose problematic people.

Anne the Pleater :ootd:

[wildrover]

Not being familiar with the tradition - I get the impression that it is an evening event, where dinner drifts into partying.

Thanksgiving is very much a family holiday...no partying to speak of, generally.

Though I suppose partying is very context-sensitive...but it's a fairly low key holiday, not the sort where people get drunk and throw furniture. More like, I could see someone drinking too much wine, saying something stupid, and puking in a potted plant...but that's about it...Thanksgiving isn't really a party holiday.

Halloween, now there's a party holiday!

[Lallans]

I see that in Japan it will be "Labour Thanksgiving Day" and seems to be set up to coincide with the US one across the dateline. How does that work, I mean, what happens? Do they give thanks to Labour for all the hard work? Or do they give thanks for having a job? Or what? I have to say, and not that the Japanese should care, that I liked the older more traditional holidays like Boys Day and so on. At least, they looked good in the movies etc.

[Lallans]

OK never mind I just looked it up already.